


Supermarket Malice Mizer

by VampireHydeFTW



Category: Malice Mizer
Genre: Crack, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 04:18:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13205802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireHydeFTW/pseuds/VampireHydeFTW
Summary: What if Malice Mizer worked in a supermarket?





	Supermarket Malice Mizer

**Author's Note:**

> Well this gem I wrote in 2011. Finding it I literally burst into laughter at the very concept I had not only wrote this, but posted it. I'm proud to be sharing this again, as crazy as it is.

            The security guard glanced at me as I entered the store and I felt my blood freeze under the intensity of his icy glare. He scared me and I wanted to run, or fall to my knees as I sobbed how I would never steal from the store again. I hadn't stolen anything of course, I hadn't even entered the store, he was just that intimidating. His name badge read Mana and he didn't look particularity big or tough, more like a Gothic prince that a security guard, but who needed to be tough when you could stare at someone like that? He said nothing to me as I entered, even though I muttered a nervous hello as I grabbed a shopping basket and quickly disappeared into the crowds.

            I grabbed some of the things I needed and moved through the store, glad it wasn't too busy so that I didn’t have to battle with crowds. Remembering I needed some flowers for my mother, I headed over to that section and looked over the cut flowers, pleased at how healthy and beautiful they all were. In the end I choose a bunch of purple flowers and was about to put them in my trolley when a shop clerk came running over.

            “I'm sorry you can't buy them. There dying,” The man explained, yanking them out of my hand and clutching them to his chest. They didn't look dead but he wasn't letting me buy them so I picked up a second bouquet, only to have him do the same thing again. “Sorry these are dead too.”

            “They're not dead.” I replied annoyed.

            “Why don't you buy these?” The man asked, showing me a bunch of daffodils. Frustrated I nodded and put them in my trolley and walked away. Glancing over my shoulder I noticed the man remove a butterfly decoration from both bunches before putting them back on sale. Was that his problem? He wanted the butterflies to himself? As he put them in his pocket I knew I was right and I quickly took note of his name, Kami, before continuing my shopping. I'd report him to the first manager I saw, you don't treat customers like that!

            I needed meat too, so I headed over to the butchers where a creepy butcher named Közi watched me as I approached. He was holding two knifes that were so sharp they sparked when he scraped them together, something he was doing frequently.

            “Hi. I'd like some lamb chops.” I replied and he nodded and flung some meat in my hand. It was raw and without any packaging so the cold blood dripped though my fingers and onto the floor. I gasped in shock and dropped the meat staring at him horrified.

            “Want to see something funny?” Közi asked and before I answered he held up two eyeballs to his own eyes making me scream. “I like eyeballs.” The butcher began to explain but I was already hurrying down the shop towards a manager who had heard my cries and was heading over, looking alarmed.

            “Are you alright?” He asked gently seeing my hands. “Has Közi been trying to save the planet and cut back in packaging again?”

            “He threw raw meet in my hands and then put some creature’s eyeballs on his face!” I cried out but the manager didn't seem surprised and merely offered to help me clean up.

            “I'm sure you'll be OK now.” Gackt, for that was the managers name, informed me.

            “Your staff are crazy!” I snapped at him. “The security guard has the eyes of a demon, the man on flowers, Kami, wouldn't let me buy flowers because he claimed they were dead.”

            “Oh, they must have been dead. Kami is a very valued employee.” Gackt quickly defended him. 

            “He stole the butterflies from the bouquet!” I declare.

            “He loves butterflies,” Gackt agreed with a love-struck smile. “Look what if I walk with you until you're finished? That way I can make sure my staff treat you well.”  
            “Please.” I agree and he does that, though he seems annoyed every time I pick something off the shelf. Permanently straightening things up so that they’re perfect as we walk. He does this until we reach one of the end aisles, where a man is sat on the floor with piles of sweets on either side of him. He works here and his name is Yu~ki but he seems more intent on eating the sweets than stocking the shelves.

            “Yu~ki! How many times have I told you not to eat the chocolate?!” Gackt demanded, storming down the aisle angrily. To be honest I’d had enough of him anyway, so I hurry to the till and buy my items before bolting past the scary security guard and heading for my car. This is one shop I am never going to set foot in again, though now I'm free I must confess, that manager was hot!

 


End file.
